IF YOU’RE ENGAGED, getting ready for this lifetime commitment with your fiance, with the wedding date set, knowing full well that God has brought the two of you together, here’s a tip for you that will save you a lot of heartache. NO SECRETS! If you have a dark or even not-so-dark past, you owe it to your fiance to tell them the truth. Why? Why do you have to dig up the past and share it? You’ve gotten over it, already healed from it. So why is it necessary? Exactly. You’re over it and are healed, so why not? Unless….. you’re still hiding something, or still unconsciously living in the past. Think about it. Yes it’s hard to come clean in the beginning and feelings may get hurt, but it’s the best way to let your future spouse know who you were and how far you’ve come (especially in cases like mine and King’s — engaged 6 months after meeting — click here for full story), and it’s the best way to test your own feelings, your character, and YOUR RELATIONSHIP as well.

Once your relationship stands the TEST OF REALITY, you’ll see that it’s the best way to prepare for your marriage. You are giving each other the opportunity to forgive one another, because like I said feelings may get hurt, depending on what happened in yours or your fiance’s past. You are creating a clean slate between the two of you. You are creating a CULTURE OF LOVE, honesty, trust, open communication, forgiveness, acceptance, humility, security/confidence, peace, unity — basics and essentials in a great marriage — as you enter into yours. You are laying down the groundwork.

I admit, I am no expert since I have been only married to King for a mere 6 years and 10 months, but this is something I personally felt I had to do before we got hitched. I had to swallow my pride and tell King the truth about my past. Because I have been completely transparent to him, there is none of the drama! No surprises, except the good kind. No reliving of the past, pointing fingers, counting of wrongs, or bitterness and resentment towards each other. Our marriage is not perfect, and like everyone else’sย  it takes work and a whole lot of learning, but I believe in that aspect, we did good.

Having said that, I have an even GREATER TIP FOR YOUTH AND SINGLES. While you’re still young and single, or maybe even old(er) and single, BE WISE! Do things that need not be hidden. Have relationships that you need not be ashamed of in the eyes of men and in the eyes of God. Live a life that need not be kept secret. Imagine that you don’t have to come clean to your future spouse because you have NO SECRETS! The freedom, the joy! For both you and your fiance! It’s a great honor to God, a great gift to your future spouse, and the best gift to yourself. ๐Ÿ™‚

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About Phoebe Torres-Lucero

I am Phoebe Torres-Lucero, wife of a loving husband & dedicated pastor, King, and mother to three wonderful, smart, active little girls, Danae, Noelle and Gianna. Phoebe means bright and radiant. Torres means towers. Lucero means light. Put together, my name speaks of a tower of bright, radiant light. And that is what I hope to be as I write and share with you some of my experiences, especially on being a mom.

12 responses »

  1. very well said phoebs. worth reading and meditating by the single people.

  2. Sonny says:

    the reason why people have secrets is because they know that something is wrong with it. but for me, you have to know the perfect timing when to reveal a secret to your partner. God makes all things beautiful in His time!

  3. Dhang says:

    Awesome!!! right.. It’s like prevention is better than cure.:) Being honest is a choice.. a big decision! Thank u so much for the “tips” Ms. Phoebe:) It’s great to love someone in truth. ๐Ÿ™‚ No More secrets!hihi

  4. Jun Div says:

    To add to your carefully-thought article, let me lift a portion from the book of Frank and Mary Alice Minirth entitled, “Secrets of a Strong Marriage.”

    “Unfortunately, there is no pat answer. In once sense, intimacy includes knowing and accepting everything about your partner, including past mistakes. But some people handle such things better than others, and I have seen more than one person almost destroyed by the confession of past sin by their spouse.

    “Knowing that the issue is unavoidable, I counsel each partner to decide ahead of time how much information is needed, and what the response will be if the news should be worse than anticipated. Here are some questions to consider.

    – Will the information help or hurt your mate?
    – Is the information pertinent nowand will it strengthen your bond?
    – What are your motives for confession? (Is selfishness or selflessness the strong motive?)
    – What will you do if your mate’s sins are more troublesome than your own?
    – How many details in the past are wise to reveal?
    – How much detail do you want to know about your spouse’s past?

    “Carefully consider each of these questions. Ask God for wisdom. Ask a friend who can be objective and unbiased. Then you decide and proceed with love.”

  5. what ptr. jun shared is really true, there are somethings that should be left unsaid if the good will outweigh the worse. have witnessed one case from a very close relative, what happened? world war 2 and the couple never reconciled after. it’s a case to case basis really and timing is foremost important. but i love what you said regarding the singles:”BE WISE! Do things that need not be hidden. Have relationships that you need not be ashamed of in the eyes of men and in the eyes of God. Live a life that need not be kept secret. Imagine that you donโ€™t have to come clean to your future spouse because you have NO SECRETS! The freedom, the joy! For both you and your fiance! Itโ€™s a great honor to God, a great gift to your future spouse, and the best gift to yourself.” thanks for sharing phoebs!

  6. david bernardo says:

    “Having said that, I have an even GREATER TIP FOR YOUTH AND SINGLES. While youโ€™re still young and single, or maybe even old(er) and single, BE WISE! Do things that need not be hidden. ”

    hehe great preparation for us!!! walking in the light, and without pretensions,it’s just right to be mindful of every decision we’re making but not being paranoid about it ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. thine says:

    Great blog!!!! and YES, if there’s no SECRETS, there would be NO SURPRISES (well.. bad surprises).

    Thanks again Phoebs!!!! ๐Ÿ˜€

  8. thine says:

    if there ARE* no SECRETS, there would be NO SURPRISES

    hehe! ๐Ÿ™‚

  9. Lea Santos says:

    I appreciate you Phoebs for pointing out something for the young and singles to take seriously: Don’t do anything now that you’d have to keep as a secret…to your future partner…nor to anyone else. A great guideline for living for everyone, married or not. Thanks for the musings shared, Phoebs! ๐Ÿ˜‰

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